


yuri vs yuuri: middle school showdown

by proletaricat



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Academic Discussion of Sex, Alternate Universe - Middle School, General Teen Brattiness, Humor, Parody, Sex Ed Teacher Yuuri, Smug Superiority, Swearing, Teacher Phichit, Teacher Yuuri, Teachers, Teenage Egos, Victor's Bad Flirting, Yurio is 14 and taking sex ed, tumblr parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 09:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11964240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proletaricat/pseuds/proletaricat
Summary: Yuuri and Phichit had been middle school teachers for a while now. They were grizzled veterans at handling ill-timed and poorly thought out jokes about genitalia from hormone-ridden 13-year-olds. They were good at shutting down inappropriate conversations. They handled dealing with newly pubescent children better than most – but even they had their limits, which came in the form of one Yuri Plisetsky and his best friend-slash-enemy, self-crowned King of 8th Grade, JJ Pliroy. Yuuri is unfortunate enough to have the task of not only teaching 8th grade sex ed, but of having both Pliroy and Plisetsky in the same class. They weren't call the Scourge of the School for nothing.





	yuri vs yuuri: middle school showdown

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another parody of the fandom by yours truly. Enjoy the trainwreck, folks.

Yuuri and Phichit had been middle school teachers for a while now. They were grizzled veterans at handling ill-timed and poorly thought out jokes about genitalia from hormone-ridden 13-year-olds. They were good at shutting down inappropriate conversations. They handled dealing with newly pubescent children better than most – but even they had their limits, which came in the form of one Yuri Plisetsky and his best friend-slash-enemy, self-crowned King of 8th Grade, JJ Pliroy.

They had been the scourge of the school all through elementary and into early junior high, and now Phichit and Yuuri were misfortunate enough to have both boys assigned to their classes _at the same time_. ‘Scheduling conflicts' was the only explanation they had gotten from Principal Yakov when they pleaded for mercy. School administrators had been very careful to keep the two children apart as much as possible, learning very quickly what the two were like when they teamed up – and when they were at odds with each other – but their careful planning had failed, it seemed.

Both little JJ and Yuri had not yet taken the mandatory computer class, an easy thing to overlook since it had only been made mandatory the previous year – but really, Phichit had pleaded, they should make an exception for Yuri and JJ. Please. Please, Mr. Yakov.

No dice.

Phichit had his hands full, to say the least, in 4th period. He got off lucky compared to his fellow teacher and best friend, though. He only had to teach basic computer and internet skills. Yuuri, though… Yuuri was the science teacher. He did biology, chemistry, physics, you name it, and because of recent new legislation regarding who is allowed to teach sexual education, he had to teach that too. Why can't the school nurse teach it this time? Why can't the physical education and health teacher instruct the students, Mr. Yakov?

Because, Yuuri. It's the Law.

He begged, he cried, he prayed to every deity he could think of. It seemed he had sinned something terrible in this life, or a past one, because no deity would listen and he was stuck having to teach the 8th-grade sexual education curriculum, which had just been overhauled by the same legislation that restricted who could teach it.

On one hand, Yuuri was relieved – they had finally gotten rid of the abstinence-only curriculum and were teaching comprehensive sexual education – but on the other hand, he had Yuri Plisetsky and JJ Pliroy both in his class at the same time.

x

"Yuuri, thank god," Phichit said, wearily sinking into a chair next to his friend in the teacher's lounge. It was just after 4th period and only the third week of class.

"That bad?" Yuuri asked, nervously looking down into his half-empty coffee mug.

"You have no idea," his friend groaned, dramatically burying his face in his arms on the table. "This is hell, I want to retire."

"What, um… what happened this time?"

"They got past the school firewall _again_ , Yuuri. I'm not sure—I mean, at this rate, I think we should just get rid of computers altogether. I don't care if that eliminates my job. That's fine. I'll leave. I'll move to a different country, get a different job, marry a nice white man, become an exotic trophy husband, murder him and take his money, you know," he waved his hands in frustration.

"That's—extreme… he doesn't have to be _white_ …"

"Yeah, but it's always the rich white dudes who go stupid with their money, y'know? I feel like capitalizing on that."

"Ah… yeah…" Yuuri nodded, concerned for his friend's well-being. "So… what did they do this time?"

"Nothing that sinister, I just found them on Tumblr again reblogging dumb shit instead of paying attention to the Excel lesson."

"What sort of dumb shit?"

"Fidget spinner memes, mostly," Phichit said with a shrug. "I know their Tumblr usernames now, though, so I'm probably gonna e-stalk them a bit and bring up embarrassing shit to try to get them to pay attention and obey me in class."

Yuuri gave Phichit a small smile, leaning back in his chair. "Make sure to send me anything that might be helpful. Sex ed starts in 2 weeks and I'm not mentally prepared."

"I don't think _anyone_ is ever mentally prepared for P-squared."

The Japanese man sighed, slumping in his chair again. "I know," he said miserably. "I'm contemplating retiring and finding my own rich guy, too."

"Plisetsky's dad is pretty fine," Phichit said with a wink, knowing Yuuri's inner conflict with finding the boy's father attractive while simultaneously dreading any interaction with his son.

"No," Yuuri said sternly, standing. "No," he pointed his finger at Phichit, narrowing his eyes. "We're not going to—no."

Phichit just laughed and stood, grinning at Yuuri as the 1-minute bell rang. "Off to 5th period! I'll continue to pray for you, but I don't think the gods are listening to me either."

"I'm doomed," Yuuri muttered to himself, Phichit leaving the room. He was doomed.

x

It was two weeks later. Phichit had given Yuuri some good information on the type of 8th graders that the two were, so he felt a little prepared at least. What he didn't know is that he had been lulled into a false sense of security. It's not what Phichit intended, but Yuuri's vulnerability was the direct effect of his friend's confident assurance that he had ‘nipped the problems in the bud' and that Yuuri should be ‘A-Okay' to go ahead with little problem.

It was a lie. None of it was true. Yuuri was doomed from the start—he never had a chance.

x

"All right, it's time for the class everyone has been dreading," he announced, correctly guessing his students' opinions on the subject. "Those of you who have gotten waivers from parents are free to leave the classroom now and go to the study hall that's been set up across the hall. The rest of you must endure this."

Most of his students grumbled, but he heard amused whispers and snickers from a few boys. Two of those boys were P2. Great.

x

"And so the penis becomes erect because—"

"I'm uncomfortable with this material," Plisetsky spoke up, frowning disapprovingly.

"I'm sorry, but your father didn't sign the waiver so you are not exempt."

"This is immoral!"

"It's important information…" Yuuri trailed off, irritated. Every statement, every topic had been met with disgust and disdain from Plisetsky, or as JJ called him, ‘Yurio'.

"I object to being taught this."

"Well too bad," Yuuri eventually said, already weary and it was just the first day – general introduction and the beginning of male anatomy.

Yurio sighed, slouching at his desk and glaring icily at Yuuri. If Yurio thought his cranky teenage glare affected his teacher in the slightest, he was wrong. Pubescent children did not scare him.

x

The next day – the ending of male anatomy – brought even more interruptions from Yurio, this time joined by JJ acting as his yes-man.

"Why are you teaching us about _actual sex_!" Yurio shouted, JJ nodding and adding, "It's disgusting!"

"Because you need to know about _actual sex_ ," Yuuri responded, gritting his teeth. He'd never wanted to expel a student from his class so bad before – Yurio was disrupting class and impacting the learning of other students, but the class was mandatory for those without the waiver and he _had to take it_ so he should just _shut the fuck up_ and it'd go faster.

"We're only like, fourteen,"

"And thirteen," JJ added, making sure to include the younger students.

"Yes, and you need to know about these things at your age. You're growing into young adults and many of you are beginning to experience puberty or are currently going through the worst of it, and it's important for hormonal teenagers to learn about their bodies," Yuuri's voice was void of emotion. He had anticipated pushback. But his colleagues had been right – nobody is fully prepared for P2 – not even veterans.

"It's disgusting that you're even thinking of that," Yurio said, making a face. It was a face only teens were capable – that smug combination of entitled superiority and whiny pre-tantrum throwing – and a face Yuuri had seen many times before.

"Believe me, I'd rather not be teaching this just as much as you're reluctant to learn," Yuuri mumbled to himself, barely audible.

"What did you say?!" Yurio demanded, standing from his desk swiftly and awkwardly, considering the chairs were connected to the desk portion and he had to shuffle sideways.

"Sit down, Plisetsky," Yuuri said firmly.

"No, I'm protesting this!"

"I'm not afraid to call your father."

Yurio made a face, sitting back down with a thump, crossing his arms. He was not pleased.

Yuuri didn't give a fuck.

x

Yuuri ended up calling Yurio's dad, who made the decision that it was important to visit the class and sit in on a lesson to keep his son in line. Of course, Yurio was reluctantly a good boy for that lesson and Victor was convinced that he was a changed boy and no longer had to observe.

The fact that it was now the end of class and students were still shuffling out the door, Yurio sticking behind, clearly didn't faze Victor as he leaned his hip against Yuuri's desk, looking down at him with seductive smirk – or what barely passed as one. The man winked.

"Are you free for coffee later, Yuuri?"

"Please call me Mr. Katsuki," Yuuri said tiredly.

"Mister Katsuki," Victor downright purred, "Do me the honor of accompanying me on a date?" He leaned in closer, reaching out to stroke Yuuri's face.

ABORT. ABORT ABORT ABORT. Sirens blared in the teacher's brain and he stood, stumbling back from Victor to get the man's hands off him. "Please don't—I'm busy tonight."

"Some other day?" Victor continued, following him. Yuuri walked backward, eyes wide. He glanced toward the classroom and oh, Yurio was still there and watching them with a glare. Fuck.

"No, I'm—that's not appropriate, Mr. Nikiforov. I'm your son's teacher."

"He graduates at the end of this year," the man murmured, close enough to touch again. He put his hand on Yuuri's hip, rubbing his thumb against the material of the teacher's pants. It wasn't _fair_ , Yuuri's crush being right there, flirting with him, basically propositioning him… and he had to _reject_ him.

"I-it's still, uh," the bell rang and Yuuri exhaled in relief, Victor stepping back with a frown.

"I should go… I'm sorry, beautiful. I will ask you again later," the man said quietly. Halfway to the doorway, he turned his head to wink at Yuuri, who blushed. Yurio wrinkled his nose disapprovingly and followed his father out of the room. The teacher could hear the beginning of Yurio's lecture to his father.

x

Phichit fell into his chair – there was no other way to describe the action – and his coffee sloshed over the side of his mug, a small splash falling onto the table. His smile was tight and eyes wide. "Yuuri," he said slowly, smile growing. Yuuri was frightened.

"Yes…?"

His friend was silent for another moment before he inhaled slowly and exhaled in a rush. "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"

Yuuri didn't even have to think about his answer. "Bad news first."

"Too bad!" Phichit responded cheerfully. "You get the good news first, because it's not really news, it's only good news because it's that I've stumbled upon little Yurio's Tumblr – he needs to learn how to clear browser data but I'm not teaching him that – and did a little reading."

"That's a violation of privacy, isn't it?" No matter how frustrated Yuuri was with his student, it still felt wrong to look into his private life.

"You know, I would have cared more if he wasn't posting things about us."

"Us?"

"Well… you. Basically. Only you."

Yuuri's face paled. "I—what is he saying?"

"He's – don't worry, he's not naming names. Yet."

" _Yet_." Yuuri was exasperated and more than a little anxious.

Phichit rested his elbow on the table, head on his hand. He didn't seem to notice that he had set his arm in the puddle of coffee he had left. Yuuri contemplated telling him. He decided against it. "Anyway," Phichit started again. He glanced down at his elbow and blinked at the coffee staining his white shirt. He shrugged and looked back at Yuuri, continuing. "He's posting about his sex ed teacher harassing him sexually and saying inappropriate things to him. But he gives examples! To clarify. Which works sort of against him, because his examples are ridiculous, but still. His blog doesn't seem to be very popular at least."

That mollified Yuuri a little. A very little. Hardly at all.

"Except the uh… the post he made is _very_ popular."

"Shit," Yuuri groaned. He rarely swore, but if there was ever a moment where it was appropriate, that moment was now. "Do I want to know how popular?"

"Nope! And I wouldn't go looking for it either. For your own good. And that's all I had to say so I'm going to go and try to get the stain out of my shirt." Phichit escaped before Yuuri could grab him and yell at him for ruining his day for _no reason_.

x

The next day of sex education went relatively well – it was mostly health-focused information about STDs and how to avoid them. Yurio didn't say a word or disrupt the class even once.

Probably because he was out sick.

x

Yurio was back, and it seemed even more riled up than ever. Today was the day Yuuri got to discuss sex. Actual sex. And putting on condoms, and how sex worked, and… he was definitely not looking forward to this. He was the opposite of looking forward to this. He dreaded this terribly.

The teacher sighed as he leaned against his desk, waiting for the rest of the students to trickle in and for the bell to ring, signifying the start of class. Yurio sat front and center, smug look on his face.

x

"So today we are going to talk about sex and how to have safe sex."

Yuuri eyed his troublesome student warily as he spoke, wanting to be prepared for whatever might happen. It wasn't until halfway through that Yurio got started, and the teacher wished he had gone into engineering. Or programming. Or something far, far away from entitled children with too much time and unmonitored access to the internet. He switched to the next PowerPoint slide, a detailed _scientific_ picture of nude bodies, and Yurio made a disgusted noise. ‘Just ignore him,' the teacher thought to himself. ‘Maybe he won't do anything else.'

Wrong.

"Why are you showing us porn?" Yurio asked loudly, voice haughty. "Isn't this illegal?"

"It's not porn," Yuuri sighed. "This is a scientific rendering. It's – it's not even a photograph. It's literally an illustration."

"Listen," Yurio leaned forward in his desk, eyes ablaze with righteous indignation. "It doesn't matter if it's an _illustration_ , it's still porn. You can call it _scientific_ porn if you want, but it's. still. porn."

"Plisetsky," Yuuri began, physically pained. "This curriculum and all the materials have been approved by the school board and by the federal government."

"Just because the government says something is okay doesn't mean it is, _teacher_. The government does _lots_ of shady things and I think it's gross that you're trying to defend them."

Yuuri prayed for death. "Please stop interrupting class, the rest of your peers probably want to get this over with. Right?"

Yurio didn't let them speak. He stood, glaring. "You shouldn't even be talking to them!"

"…excuse me?"

"Adults _literally_ have no reason to ever interact with children. Ever."

"I'm… I… but I'm a teacher? What…" The logic (or lack thereof) was mind-boggling. Was Yurio serious?

"It's disgusting and you shouldn't even be talking to me. I'm just here to protect my classmates from your wickedness."

"Take that up with the government, Plisetsky. I have a class to teach. Sit down or I'll send you to the principal's office."

Yurio whipped out a pair of handcuffs and Yuuri furrowed his brow. "Where did you get those?"

"Spencer's," the teen answered nonchalantly, ignoring the fact that the store he'd purchased them from was clearly not appropriate for someone of his age.

"You're okay with that store but not with sex ed?"

"Capitalism is the devil but not as big of a devil as your disgusting insistence on showing minors porn," Yurio said as he clicked the handcuff around his arm, and then to the desk. He smirked. "Checkmate," he said in a low voice, raising an eyebrow triumphantly.

Inhale. Exhale. Yuuri pushed on. In the end, the maintenance staff had to come cut the surprisingly sturdy handcuffs off of the teen's wrist, but not before he'd dragged his desk halfway down the hall.

x

Yuuri almost quit the next day when he walked into his class and saw Yurio standing at the desk, professionally printed banner displayed over the blackboard. Yuuri had to read it twice in order to really process it.

‘Sex Ed is Literally Porn'

"Yuri Plisetsky," Yuuri started, voice dark. This was too much. "Go to the principal's office."

"You can't make me!" the teen responded, climbing onto Yuuri's desk. He pointed at the students in the classroom who were watching curiously. "I'm here to take down this den of depravity! This school will get what's coming to it, forcing this perverse curriculum on innocent children as if it's morally acceptable. No more!"

Yuuri called the maintenance crew again.

x

The next day, Yurio was being unusually quiet. He was texting on his phone and while normally Yuuri would call it out, he didn't care to provoke the obnoxious teen this time. The class passed normally and the teacher breathed a sigh of relief when the last student left. He had been lulled into a false sense of security. It was a trap.

As it turned out, Yurio had called the police, which was why he had been so quiet. He was advised not to speak to anyone about his actions as they investigated the situation – they took accusations of child endangerment and abuse very seriously, as the school soon found out.

x

Yuuri, Phichit, the principal, and other faculty sat in one of the meeting rooms with a group of police officers as they went over their investigation and what they had found. Yuuri had never been so scared in his life – on one hand, he knew he had done nothing wrong, but sometimes things like that didn't matter. They spoke for a long time.

When they sent for Yurio to come to the meeting room to speak with faculty and police, the person who had gone to retrieve him from the lunch room (as it was currently lunch time) was treated to a very surprising scene.

There the blond teen was, on top of a lunch table barricade with his banner and warpaint on his face. He was yelling passionately, gesticulations full of rage, at the students in a crowd in front of him. They listened with rapt attention as he spoke, crowded around his blockade of justice.

The rest of the students – that is, the majority of them, since Yurio's crowd was only about a dozen students – ignored him, disinterested in his angry tirade. It took some convincing but the teen was eventually convinced to come to the meeting room, especially once he heard the police wanted to speak with him.

At last! He would get vengeance.

He walked into the room with his head held high, feeling triumphant.

x

As he sat, one of the police officers nodded to him. "Yuri Plisetsky?" she asked, waiting for confirmation. "Thank you for being agreeable and coming to discuss this with us. You know those accusations you made were very serious, right?"

"Just as serious as the situation here. It's insidious. This school needs to be cleaned up."

He almost sounded like an adult. "We found some very concerning things, Yuri."

"Just as I thought you would." He shot a smirk at Yuuri. "What else did you find on him?"

"Ah…" Two of the police officers shared a look before the woman continued. "Actually, Yuri, we found some… concerning things on your browser history."

He shifted, anxiety brewing in his veins. What? How did they find his browser history? He made sure to log out _every time_. "I… what?"

"We found the tumblog—"

"It's just _Tumblr_ , not tumblog."

"Your _Tumblr_ then. The one where you are known as, uh…" the police officer squinted at the printed out screenshot. "You called yourself ‘yurio-the-avenger'."

He nodded. "Yes, that is where I reveal the crimes in my community so that they may be discussed and dealt with."

"We also found another one."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yuri, are you or are you not the owner of ‘rainbow-dash-is-bae'?"

His face was bright red, hands clenched into fists. "I'm – nope, no idea."

The police officer sighed. "Please don't lie to us, Yuri. We're asking you to cooperate and I think we're being very generous considering you broke the law in circumventing the firewall and accessing pornography on the school internet."

"I—what! I would never! That's disgusting!"

The police slid over a packet of screenshots, printed in full-color on glossy photo paper. The principal looked away, embarrassed, as Yuri tentatively pulled them closer. His face paled. "This is…"

"Explicit, uh… pornography. Of illustrated ponies. You shouldn't – Yuri, you're not old enough to be… to be searching these things up, or to put other students at risk for finding these. You are endangering your peers."

Silence prevailed for a few moments until Yuri broke it, standing angrily. "You can't do this to me!" he yelled. "I have rights! I'm a minor!"

"Please calm down, sir," a police officer said, standing as well. He pointed at the officer angrily.

"I am a _minor_!"

"That's exactly the problem, Yuri," the female police officer said sadly. "You shouldn't be—"

"It's not my responsibility to be responsible for myself! I'm a minor. I can't – you can't get me in trouble. It's not – _you're_ the adult."

"Sir," the second officer said, concerned. "Sir please sit down. We just want to – we want to make sure you know how serious of a situation this is."

Yurio didn't want to hear it. He stormed out.

x

In the end, he was suspended for two weeks with Internet privileges revoked. So much for not being responsible for his own actions.

**Author's Note:**

> Now with [fanart](https://knitsforthetrail.tumblr.com/post/164849532711/heres-even-more-art-for-yoi-shit-bang-these) by the beautiful @knitsforthetrail!
> 
> Spencer's is a novelty item shop in the US that is borderline sex shop, basically.
> 
> Also: there's a story why JJ Leroy is called JJ Pliroy in this but he paid everyone to shut the fuck up about it and pretend they didn't notice like good readers.
> 
> ;)
> 
> (jk I love you)
> 
> mangotangerine.tumblr.com


End file.
